Crime Runs Rampant in the Flathead Valley - the "Comedy" Section of our Local Paper

Please read on..... The Flathead Beacon (which is owned by Maury Povich and Connie Chung -- aren't you amazed such famous people own a newspaper here in little old Kalispell, MT) is a local newspaper, and I enjoy reading it. Particularly the "Police Blotter". It is a serious section of the paper, but should be titled the "Comedy from the Flathead".

The good news is -- it is not filled with murders, robbery, and general mayhem like I used to see in Atlanta. So here is your dose of comedy -- compliments of the residents of the Flathead Valley.

(This is a composite of REAL police reports -- honest -- for the last week)

5:00 a.m. A man on First Avenue West said he could hear people outside taunting him, but when he went outside there was no one there.

5:15 a.m. An intoxicated man in Alaska called in to talk about a “fat pork boy” who ripped his friend off, stole his AK-47 and explained how he has recently been wrongly accused.

6:49 a.m. A Whitefish woman reported that she adopted a cat that turned out to be a “psycho.” She asked the animal warden to remove it from her home.

7:32 a.m. Someone called 911, said "oooh" and hung up.

8:20 a.m. A Marion man called in with questions about kicking his girlfriend out.

8:40 a.m. A kid on Liberty Street known to cry a lot was heard crying.

8:40 a.m. A complaint was made about about out-of-towners littering at the dump even though there is a sign posted, “no littering.”

9:31 p.m. A Kalispell man said that the teeth he ordered didn’t fit. He asked an officer to come take a look at them.

9:52 p.m. An extremely intoxicated woman attempted to talk about a fight she was in. She was asked to call back when she was sober.

9:53 a.m. A Kalispell man said he received a text from his longtime friend that said to not call or text him anymore. In reply, the man then sent his friend a text and called him. Worried when he didn’t get a reply or return phone call, he asked deputies to check on him. The supposed friend asked deputies to reiterate his wishes.

9:51 a.m. A Columbia Falls man was irritated by a “loitering” man wearing a dress and high heels. A deputy told the man that he was not violating any laws, but did ask him to go elsewhere. Apparently, this man’s appearance is an ongoing problem for Columbia Falls residents.

10:02 a.m. A Kila woman thinks her neighbor stole her dog’s pink camouflage collar.

11:12 a.m. A tailgating victim on Highway 93 South advised deputies that he intended to enact a citizen’s arrest on the reckless driver. He was advised not to.

11:19 a.m. A resident of Trailridge Road said that their kayak, among other belongings, was egged last night.

1:12 p.m. Apparently, there are 18 dogs living in a trailer on Conrad Drive.

1:34 p.m. A Kelly Road resident reported that their house is for sale and every time they show the property to prospective buyers the neighbors turn the pit bulls loose and scare them away.

1:52 p.m. A Creston Road resident said that the neighbor’s dogs wake up too early in the morning.

2:06 p.m. A woman reported seeing a man on a bridge who was 98 percent naked.

5:01 p.m. A customer at a local store reported that another customer was “coo coo for cocoa puffs.”

5:06 p.m. A 14-year-old boy on Gray Lane reported that his 30-year-old neighbor stole his hat and wouldn’t give it back.

5:09 p.m. Someone tattled on the driver of a motorcycle who ran a red light on Highway 93 North.

5:21 p.m. A man wearing cut-off jean shorts and holding a beer was reportedly yelling “got God?” on the side of Highway 2 East.

5:52 p.m. A man driving a Jetta down Main Street reportedly had his lady friend in the passenger seat steer for him while he sent text messages.

7:13 p.m. Someone reportedly spotted the Bigfork vandal, a real “sloppy kid with sloppy jeans.”

7:21 p.m. A 7-year-old on Kings Loop called in to say that someone was being mean to her.

7:31 p.m. A woman on Saddlewood Drive reported that someone broke in and stole an urn containing her boyfriend’s ashes.

7:58 p.m. A man driving a windowless van in his underwear allegedly exposed himself to a group of girls floating down the river.

7:59 p.m. An Olney man claimed that his cat called 911. He then explained to a dispatcher that he was in need of money.

8:21 p.m. A man called in to report that his mounted fish, which currently reside at a friend’s house, are in danger of finding their way into a “burn pile.”

9:19 p.m. Someone on Rhodes Draw complained that the neighbors were shooting guns and "lighting off canons."

10:50 p.m. Someone called in to say that a hitchhiker was lying on the side of Highway 93 South. He was fine and was asked to move on. He did so momentarily but then returned for another roadside nap.

2:39 a.m. An strange man on a “motorized peddle bike” urinated in front of the caller.

Yes folks......this is Montana!!!!